Tales from Under the Mad Hat
by Mrs Dionysius O'Gall
Summary: What's going on under the hat...
1. Thursdays with Mrs P

SCENE: A medical building in Burbank. In the waiting room, a dark-haired thirty-something wearing a floppy stovepipe hat sits, fanning herself with the WB Employee Benefits EAP (Employee Assistance Program) brochure.

Therapist: Glad you could make it this afternoon.

(Silence)

Therapist: Come in, take a seat.

Amy looks around nervously, still not sure if she's supposed to pick the couch, a chair at the table, or the chair across the desk. The therapist sits at the desk, inclines head to indicate that Amy can sit opposite at the desk.

Therapist: So, how are you doing this afternoon?

Amy: (Shrugs.) Eh.

Therapist: Not so good, I gather. (Glances at clock on far wall, sets a timer on desk.) So, I saw the show the other night.

Amy: (Brightens.) Yeah?

Therapist: Yes.

Amy: Did you like it?

Therapist: Dan wrote that one, didn't he.

Amy: Well, uh...

Therapist: I think we should talk about...the hat.

Amy: Oh oh.

Therapist: Obviously, we've been discussing some of your difficulty this year with the show.

Amy: Uh huh...

Therapist: And how your inability to remove your hat is a metaphor for the way you keep things bottled up on the show.

Amy: I...

Therapist: But I thought we were making progress.

Amy: Yeah, we're making progress.

Therapist: So what's the deal with the hat? Did you take it off on the set for at least thirty minutes each day like we discussed?

Amy: (Silence)

Therapist: I thought we discussed that the reason you can't have certain...characters...that you say are based on your personal life, say 'I love you' is because you have a deep-seated fear of saying the words. That if you'd only take off the hat, the words will come out too.

Amy: What are you talking about? Don't you like the show?

Therapist: That's not what I'm talking about. But, ok, I respect where you're going here. Let's talk about the show.

Amy: Well, you know, the filming schedule is really rough.

Therapist: Uh huh.

Amy: Dealing with the actors, oy, always a killer. And then there's my husband. Sometimes he acts like it's his show.

Therapist: Uh huh. So do you think the fans liked it?

Amy: The last episode?

Therapist: Yah. The one where it's Thanksgiving and Luke doesn't tell Lorelai about the kid.

Amy: (Scowls) Nah, they're all bitching and moaning about what a waste of an episode it was.

Therapist: I heard those are mostly those fans that are the crazy internet ones.

Amy: (Smiling) Yeah.

Therapist: So you gave Luke a kid, but he's not telling his fiancée. And you have had this couple together for what, over a year, and engaged six months, and they still don't say 'I love you.'

Amy: They do it off-screen.

Therapist: (Looks through notes from previous sessions.) Oh, that's the big things small, and small things big stuff?

Amy: Yah.

Therapist: So tell me, do you and Danny have problems telling each other things? Like, when Luke doesn't tell Lorelai, but tells his sister about the kid?

Amy: Hey, that was a great scene!

Therapist: And there's the issue of trust. You've now had your two main characters not trust each other and...

Amy: No, see, that's the parallel thing...

Therapist: I see. Tell me, did you personally supervise Luke's hair at the end of the episode? Boyfriend's hair's looking mighty fine.

Amy: (Laughs) He did look pretty hot, didn't he?

Therapist: I notice Lorelai's pretty oblivious to whatever's going on.

Amy: Yeah.

Therapist: Dan trying to send you a message?

Amy: No, no! It's going to be funny! Luke has a turtle!

Therapist: Uh huh. A DNA, hair-stealing "turtle."

Amy: Yeah.

Therapist: Trust issues are big with you this year, yes?

Amy: Oh, you know, gotta keep the viewers wondering.

Therapist: Uh huh.

Amy: Sexual tension and all that...

Therapist: You don't think you're gonna lose a bunch of viewers if you strain credulity for too much longer?

Amy: Well, like I care. Dan and me have a new WB deal.

Therapist: See, there's no guarantee...that your fans will follow you to the new show. I have another patient, can't of course tell you who, but let's just say he used to FILE a lot of episodes and then he was stalking in the night and none of his old FILE fans came along for the stalking in the night ride...

Amy: Whatever. I get the feeling you really don't like the way this season's going.

Therapist: As a fan, no. As a shrink, hoo boy!

Amy: Oh.

Therapist: Tell me about Lorelai in this Thanksgiving episode, and in the sides for the next few episodes. You said (checks notes) that she's kinda sorta based on you. Why would you have her get so excited about the wedding when you're obviously gonna character-assassinate your own husb...I mean Luke. With the whole keeping secrets thing.

Amy: What about her? I've got to keep the actors happy, you know...

Therapist: Yeah, you've said that before.

Amy: Meatier roles. That's what Lauren's always moaning about. You should hear her when she has to kiss Luke.

Therapist: You mean Scott.

Amy: (shrugs)

Therapist: You don't really like it when the fans don't like what you're doing, do you?

Amy: The fans don't know what great television is.

Therapist: But the fans like the episodes where Luke and Lorelai are together? I hear they really like the ones where Luke's shirt is off...

Amy: Well, you know the fans...

Therapist: So, this Luke's daughter plot...

Amy: Yeah, that's gonna be great. Who knew, huh?

Therapist: So where'd you get the idea to call her a...turtle?

Amy: I dunno.

Therapist: Uh huh. You're not trying to imply something about Danny, are you?

Amy: (shocked) No!

Therapist: I noticed that they're still not as hot as a couple in love really should be.

Amy: Yeah, well, they show how much in love they are.

Therapist: By not telling each other things?

Amy: Yeah...

Therapist: But the fans are suggesting a certain marine animal with a dorsal fin...

Amy: Huh?

Therapist: Shark?

Amy (silence)

Therapist: So tell me, do you like the episodes Dan writes?

Amy: I do, I do. I think they're quirky and funny and quirk...

Therapist: Uh huh.

Amy: What?

Therapist: Nothing.

Amy: I don't know. Can we talk about something else?

Therapist: Okay, tell me about the wedding.

Amy: No way!

Therapist: What do you mean?

Amy: I'm not saying anything.

Therapist: What if I told you that I have serious concerns that you're letting personal issues interfere with your career? That unless you learn to take the hat off, and let Luke and Lorelai trust each other, and say I love you, that...

Amy: (snaps) Look here, just because Dan's got that little kid up in Oxnard, doesn't mean that...

Therapist: If the hat fits, take it off?

Amy: (fumes)

(Timer goes ding)

Therapist: Time's up. See you next Thursday. Be sure to go out the back door. And...

(Amy glares back at therapist from under the brim of the hat...)

Therapist: Let's try for FORTY-FIVE minutes without the hat each day this week...

Name: MrsDionysiusOGall

Review:


	2. A Very Special Thursday with Mr & Mrs P

SCENE: A medical building in Burbank. In the waiting room, a dark-haired thirty-something wearing a floppy stovepipe hat sits, reading, and scowling at, a brand-new "Welcome to the CW – We're Here to Solve Your Problems" Employee Benefits EAP (Employee Assistance Program) brochure. Sitting next to her is a nervous-looking man, chewing his nails. His eyes dart from side to side, as if he fears being discovered in the room.

Therapist: Welcome back, Amy! And this must be your better half?

Amy: What, is it you again? (Waves the CW Brochure at therapist.) Oy, I thought with this new BMW or CW or whatever it is we're called now…

(Silence)

Therapist: (Cheerily) Come in, come in. Let's sit over here. Daniel, is it?

Dan continues to look around nervously, especially when the therapist indicates that they are to sit on the couch. The therapist pulls up a chair next to the couch, not quite head-on.

Dan lies down on the couch, leaving about six inches for Amy.

Amy: Damn it, Danny, once again, you've only left a few inches for me. Don't you know that NO ONE lies down on a therapist's couch? Didn't you watch that episode where Rory…

Therapist: Um, no need to lay down, Daniel.

(Dan sheepishly sits up, and Amy sits down.)

Therapist: Um, no need to sit at opposite ends of the couch! You know that I'll take notes about that.

(Dan scoots over.)

Therapist: Just kidding! (Glances at clock on far wall, sets a timer on the coffee table.) So, I saw the show a few weeks ago…on Valentines.

Dan looks up, still nervous, still wringing his hands.

Amy beams.

Amy: Danny wrote that one!

Therapist: I have to say, a very bold move! You went all cliché on us. Totally cliché, so unexpected from you!

Amy: Well, uh...

Therapist: So Daniel, here's what we do here. We usually discuss something Amy's working on. Last week, we decided that your perspective would be good.

Dan: Oh.

Therapist: Well, see we've been discussing some of Amy's difficulty this year with the show. And now with the merger…and no contract…

Amy: Uh huh...

Therapist: And how her inability to remove her hat was a metaphor for the way she keeps things bottled up on the show.

Dan: (looks at Amy…) So THAT'S why you've been doffing the hat…

Amy: Doffing? I don't know no doffing.

Therapist: And we're making progress.

Amy: Yeah, we're making progress.

Therapist: So we've progressed to taking it off for at least 90 minutes a day on set?

Amy: My head gets cold. It's winter. I'm a girl from the Valley…

Therapist: And boy oh boy, we had payback in the Valentine's episode! Did we ever! I told you that if you'd only take off the hat, the words would come out too.

Amy: Words? What are you talking about? My scripts are always at least 80 per cent bigger than other shows.

Dan looks REALLY nervous now.

Therapist: Why, the 'I Love You's. Two of them. My my my, such a bonus.

Amy: What?

Therapist: Oh Amy, the words. He said the words. The words we were waiting for. My. my, my…

Amy (mumbles to Dan:) Why is she channeling Liz Torres doing Patty?

Therapist: Why, Luke--he had that whole male-avoidance thing going at first by saying 'You Know I love you', but then he flat out said it. 'I love you'. (Sighs.) So romantic. And on Valentines Day, Amy…what a gift! What a gift!

Amy: (glares at Dan) What?

Therapist: Oh Amy, don't be shy. Take credit where credit is due. What a wonderful scene you had there…

Amy: Uh, Dan?

Therapist: I'm sorry, is something wrong?

Amy and Dan, simultaneously: No!

Therapist: I think the hat trick has done its job. We finally got you to open up enough to have one of the main characters say 'I love you.' Well done!

(beams)

Therapist: And to do it on Valentines, how…original. Speaking of which, Daniel, what did you do on Valentines with Amy?

Dan: Well I played Xbox and made a pro-con list. I don't believe in made-up Hallmark holidays.

Therapist: Ah. So let's move on.

Amy (fiercely whispers to Dan:) I love you? Two of them? Who said you could do that?

Therapist: Is anything wrong? You do look a little pale, Dan.

Dan shakes his head and wrings his hands.

Therapist: Let's move on to some serious matters, however.

(shuffles files and papers.)

Therapist: As you know, your sessions here are an employer-paid benefit and as such, they can also refer you here if they have concerns. And, unfortunately, Standards and Practices has concerns.

Amy: Not the Rory slept with Dean thing again…

Therapist: No. It's Luke and April.

Dan: What?

Therapist: So you gave Luke a kid, but now I read here that you say it was a substitute for a love triangle. That's very disturbing to our censors.

(Looks at Dan for a long long time.)

Therapist: Daniel, tell me, are you familiar with the work of Nabokov?

Amy: I never went to college so I don't know no Nabokov…

Therapist: Amy, I asked Daniel.

Dan: 'Lolita', right?

Therapist: You are correct, sir! And does not 'Lolita' deal with a 12-year-old girl?

(Looks through notes from Standards and Practices.)

Therapist: They are very worried. Let me read to you:  
'Our advertisers have notified us that the public has profound concerns about why you're having Luke treat April like she's a mistress. The advertisers are afraid that it will turn out that she's really not a daughter but a nymphet.'

Therapist: I could go on, but to sum up, the Luke character is displaying all the signs of a man keeping a mistress from his wife. For example, going to great lengths to keep the two characters apart, others being able to interact, etc. etc. etc. And Amy? Honestly, I have to tell you, this is exactly what I see in my work.

Amy (voice rising): Are they serious? I need a nine-story arc at a minimum to make a parallel with the Lorelai-Rory rift.

Therapist: (Waves notes.) They are. Very concerned. By the way, saw that little interview Lauren gave…And oh, Amy, here's another matter Standards and Practices is concerned about. A letter they received from the PETA people.

Amy: Danny never buys me gifts, no furs here…

Therapist: Amy. Do you have issues with turtles? I think we've discussed this before. The head hiding inside a shell, with your hat being the shell?

(Silence)

Therapist: Speaking of heads, Luke's hair during the 'I love You' scene? So fine. Anyhow, just be aware of the PETA thing. They don't like it when you equate turtles with girls. So anyhow…let's move on to…trust.

Amy: I thought I could trust you Danny. But now I hear that you snuck in not one, but TWO 'I Love You's. Behind my back.

Therapist: Oh oh. Not your idea, Amy?

Amy: Damn it to hell not.

Therapist: I sense a lot of anger.

Amy: Did Lorelai say it back?

Therapist: No. Daniel, maybe we need to discuss that…

Dan: Well, the merger has been stressful. Our new WB deal? Gone.

Therapist: I know how that goes. When Humana bought out…

Amy: Oy with the self-referential stuff already…

Therapist: Remember, I told you there's no guarantees. So. Let's see. Your article in Entertainment World?

Amy: Weekly.

Therapist: Ah. Entertainment Weekly. Explain to me what big-bam means.

Amy: You think I'm on the crack?

Therapist: Amy, Amy. We've discussed your drug references before. Are you?

Amy: What?

Therapist: A crack user?

Amy: (Fumes).

(Timer goes ding)

Therapist: Time's up. See you next Thursday. Be sure to go out the back door. And...

(Amy glares back at therapist from under the brim of the hat...)

Therapist: Trust and communication. The foundation of any good relationship. Maybe Daniel should come back next week. 


	3. CIPs and Suits, Oh My!

Another Thursday at the new CW's Employee Assistance Program. The same dark-haired woman we've met before, wearing a stovepipe hat, is sitting in her therapist's office, distraught. Let's call her Amy, shall we? 

The following is a transcript of the events which occurred between 02:00 and 03:00 PM...

Therapist:  
So you're very upset by the results of the poll. TV Guide Online, you said?

Amy:  
Yes. 17 per cent, only 17 per cent liked the turtle. Everyone else...

Therapist:  
That would be 83 per cent...

Amy (growls):  
Rub it in, why don't you...

Therapist:  
So most people hate the fact that you've used a...bespectacled contrivance...to keep Luke and Lorelai apart.

Amy:  
They're even writing poems about it...

Therapist:  
No!

Amy:  
Oh yeah. I thought they loved me, they really loved me, but they hate me...they really...

Therapist:  
Amy, Amy. We talked about taking things personally.

Amy (indignant:  
And then there's this!

Amy throws a stack of legal-sized paper onto the therapist's desk.

Therapist:  
Hmmm. May I take a moment?

Amy:  
You aren't going to charge me for this, are you?

Therapist resets clock. Of course not.

Ten minutes pass...ten anxious, toe-tapping minutes.

Therapist clears throat:  
CIP v. ASP, et. al. May I read some of this aloud?

Amy nods.

Therapist:  
MRS. DIONYSIUS O'GALL, ON BEHALF OF HERSELF AND ALL MEMBERS OF THE CIP (CRAZY INTERNET PEOPLE)

Plaintiffs, vs. ASP, DP, ET. AL.

Defendants CIVIL ACTION NO. 98-5518 SECOND AMENDED CLASS ACTION COMPLAINT AND DEMAND FOR JURY TRIAL

Amy:  
I hate lawyers.

Therapist:  
Individual and representative plaintiffs, Mrs. Dionysius O'Gall, on behalf of herself and all other members of the CIP, ("Plaintiffs"), and all other similarly situated organizations and individuals in the United States ("the Class"), allege the following:

NATURE OF THE ACTION For years, and continuing to date, the defendants--the 'Luke and Lorelai' relationship manufacturers ("Team P") and their trade associations and public relations and lobbying agents have engaged in a conspiracy to conceal from and to mislead and deceive CIPs including Plaintiffs and the Class and their participants, regarding the overwhelming evidence that the use of their products can cause serious addiction, that the Sacred Hipbone, the conversation on the park bench, the 'all in', the 'you bet', and other dangerous additives such as sighs, glances, along with the hotness that is SP and LG, are addictive. Furthermore, that Team P controls and manipulates the levels of Luke/Lorelai love in their products through the use of methods which are highly addictive.

Amy:  
I did no such thing! I have a plan!

Therapist:  
Please, let me continue:

For six seasons, Team P and their agents have known that their show is addictive due to the fact that they demanded the CIPs invest in this couple. Once habituated to this couple, CIPs and others, aka the general viewing public, must see the love to satisfy their cravings, and Team P's show, the Gilmore Girls, is nothing more than a delivery device for the dispensing of false hope. Team P and their agents have long known that withholding the successful culmination of the 'ship' is especially hazardous and harmful to the health of viewers by creating and causing increased risk for Internet addiction, alienation of affection from spouses, stress, high blood pressure, and other diseases. Team P and their agents have long known of the means of manufacturing and marketing a better, safer and less harmful storyline.

Amy:  
My plan, my plan...

Therapist:  
Team P promised CIPs as part of the American general public, that they should invest and root for Luke and Lorelai. Team P set up so-called "press" interviews, promising to fulfill these promises. For example: That one Christopher Hayden was there for Rory. Team P's promises were false.

Amy:  
Ummm... Well...

Therapist:  
Continuing...

Instead of disclosing their knowledge of their true intentions for Season 6, Team P willfully and intentionally conspired and combined to engage in a unified fraudulent and discriminating course of conduct and a campaign in restraint of the Luke and Lorelai love, including, but not limited to, the following: fraudulently promising to bring back Christopher just for Rory, fraudulently concealing and misrepresenting the toxicity and harmfulness of the turtle; knowingly disseminating false and misleading information about the Spring Wedding, and intentionally suppressing accurate information about these subjects; intentionally manipulating the viewers; targeting deceptive advertising campaigns at CIPs, including teenage children and minors.

Therapist:  
What? From our previous sessions, this appears to all be true.

And the most egregious allegation of all: that somehow the storyline crossed into an Invasion of the Body Snatchers plotline, resulting in the podification of Luke Danes.

Amy:  
Did you see what they want?

Therapist:  
Hold on, hold on.

This is an action to obtain appropriate declaratory and injunctive relief against Team P's continuing heartbreaking conduct and for any other incidental relief that is equitable, just and proper including punitive damages on behalf of Plaintiffs and the Class of individuals who have been deprived of their joy, zen, and viewing pleasure.

First and foremost, Plaintiffs seek a permanent injunction to require Team P to restore the personality and essence of Luke Danes; to immediately cease and desist from manufacturing, selling and promoting other romances/weddings and targeting such defective products to CIPs; to return what is commonly known as "balls" or "moxie" to the character of Lorelai Gilmore, and to cease all attempts to rehabilitate Christopher Hayden.

Amy:  
But I love David Sut...

Therapist:  
This Court has federal subject matter jurisdiction over this action pursuant to Season 4 U.S.C. Sections 4.20, 4.21 and 4.22 and to blah blah etcetera etcetera and because this is an action by individuals and representative Plaintiffs who are citizens of different states than Defendants.

This Court also has federal subject matter jurisdiction over this action pursuant to Season 5 U.S.C. Sections 5.01, 5.03 and 5.22.

To be honest, I think you're screwed. There's not much I can do for you.

Amy:  
They're even making me send in outlines now for the season finale! My plan, my plan...

Therapist:  
Now, now. Remember Season 4?

Amy:  
Oh yeah. I had such a great storyline planned. Luke would stay married to Nicole--hey, did you see our Nicole on that new Julia Old New Christine show--anyhow, and then he and Lorelai would end the season committing adultery!

Therapist:  
What?

Amy:  
Oh yeah. Then all Season Five, Lorelai would have to wear a Scarlet Letter A on her bosom. Get it? Adultery. Small New England town. Scarlet Letter. Hee.

Therapist:  
Oy!

Amy:  
Oy is right. Those evil network suits somehow thought the Luke/Nicole and Lorelai/Jason storylines were dragging the ratings into the sewers of Paris. So they forced me to bring Luke and Lorelai together.

Therapists:  
The ratings went up, right?

Amy:  
Ratings, schmatings. So I did win--I managed to brand Rory as an adulteress. Hee. Fooled them. Still had a Lorelai as adulteress. And then I had the turtle idea.

Therapist:  
Uh, Amy...

There's a knock on the door. Two shadowy figures, one a man in a Brooks Brothers suit, the other a woman in Anne Klein, come in.

Amy:  
Who the hell are you?

Therapist:  
Amy, meet the suits.

Suits:  
Amy, thou shalt amend the current storyline. Luke and Lorelai must move forward.

Amy:  
No! My plan!

Suits:  
Amy, the day of judgment, May 16.

(There's a flurry of activity.)

Therapist:  
Hello, 911? Ummm...there was a woman in my office, and she suddenly spun around and around and disappeared, leaving only her hat on the ground...


	4. Dispatch from the Writers' Room

**A/N: This chapter contains rumored spoilers for the Season Six Finale.**

On a sunny spring morning on the Warner Brothers lot in Burbank, a pink-clad show creator strode into a conference room. Boss, some call her; others refer to her as The Queen. All, including TV Guide critics, whose work is read by more people than watch the Creator's show, tremble before her.

As she approached the conference table, the woman adjusted her tall Lincoln-esque hat as she pulled up a chair at the head of the table. She surveyed the room, looking at the large collection of persons seated not only around the table, but on folding chairs on the periphery of the room.

To her left, #82, the writer closest to her, leaned over and admired the pin on her shirt.

"Nice brooch, Boss," she timidly complimented. "Is that a snake?"

The Queen fingered the diamond-encrusted bijou. "Why yes," she stated, "how observant of you. It's an asp."

"An asp?" #82 inquired.

"Yeah. Vipera aspis zinnikeri. They're so Pow! Bang! Ouchy cool! They lie in wait for approaching prey. Then they pounce! That's the Pow! That's the approach I like to use for the show. I build characters up. See, then Bang! They grab and bite the prey, then release it."

#82 looked very concerned and uncomfortable, but the Queen continued.

"Yeah, so then Bang! I take 'em down. And these critters, they wait several minutes for it to stop moving; then Ouch! Go for the kill. And that's what I do with Luke and Lorelai."

The Queen frowned. "And who the hell are you? You new here?"

"Uh, no. I wrote episode number…"

"Yeah, yeah." She fingered the brooch.

"Say Boss, isn't that," #82, with renewed confidence pointed at the brooch, "what Cleopatra used…"

"Yeah. Right on her boobs. An asp. Deadly viper."

The Queen interrupted everyone, tapping her pencil on the edge of the table and looked around impatiently. "Where the hell is he?" she muttered, turning to the door after noticing the empty chair to her right.

And even as she turned, the conference room door opened, and in strode a nervous man.

"It's the Queen's Consort," #80 informed #82 as the man took his place next to the Queen. "Welcome to the writers' room. I'm…"

"#80…" she said, adjusting her numbered baseball cap. "What's the deal with this 'Consort'?" she murmured.

#80 whispered back, "That's DP, er, #2. He's chief minion to the Queen, #1. They're m-a-r-r-i-e-d."

#82 continued her questioning. "What is the deal with these hats? I've never worked on a show where I was reduced to a number…"

#80 was forced to respond with just an admonishing "Shh…", for the Queen looked around the conference table, then leaned over and loudly whispered to her Consort, seated to her right. "Who the hell is that at the end of the table?" She pointed her pencil in a stabbing motion towards a woman at the far end.

"Dunno," the Consort answered.

"Well, I need to know." Her voice was slowly rising. "People, this is a creative meeting. Creative, as in executive producers, co-producers, consulting producers, assistant producers, associate producers, head writers, writers and story editors. No one else. Anyone else, get outta here!"

"Don't forget the just plain old regular producers," #3, a diminutive Korean woman added.

The Queen beamed at #3.

The Consort read a note that had been passed to him. "She's a new hire. C. Faery."

The Queen looked at her notes, rifling through the pages until she found what looked like a baseball roster. Making a note, she scribbled, then said, "#85 it is. Toss her a hat."

The Consort reached under the table, pulled out the next hat from atop a stack of numbered ball caps, and handed it to the Queen, who tossed it across the long table.

The new hire hesitated a second before donning the hat. "#85? But I'm Conti Faery…" she whispered to no one in particular.

"Okay, now that we have that settled, let's get started." The Queen sighed. "First, let's talk contracts. I believe all the pretty boys are signed now for next year. So we'll be going with my plan for next season. OK, where did we leave off on Friday?"

"Boss, we decided that we want to go with a breakup." #72, midway down the table, reminded the group. "Just like you suggested."

"Good good. Episode title?"

"Umm, 'Here We Go Again.' We all thought it was really catchy. Also there's a song by 'NSync that fits with it, you know, with the new pre-teen demos over at the CW…"

"Plus," the Consort interjected, "it will drum up speculation with the CIPs on the Internet."

"Yeah," the Queen giggled, "Look how they ate up that Gwen and Gavin title"  
She turned serious. "Storyline?"

The Consort shifted uncomfortably. "Oh, well, I'm sure that once we settle on an episode title…"

"And the anvils," #80 contributed.

"And the parallels," someone else in the room added.

"Then any one of us can write the teleplay around the anvils, parallels and title."

"Alrighty then, let's hear what you got."

#75 cleared his throat. "So Boss, we were thinking, we need a breakup. Because that's so unexpected. Plus, there's a problem. Weddings are good business for the ratings and you've…I mean Luke's so messed up right now, that we need to postpone the wedding to the fall, 'cause no one would believe it now."

"Good idea, good idea. Maybe that will drive the ratings up so high, I'll get a big bonus."

"But still, you promised the fans a wedding, and the internet is abuzz with how you cheated them with a Lane/Zach wedding," the Consort explained, glaring at #3. "Stop it, Hel…" he said, sotto voce, then leaned down and rubbed his shins.

"Well let's give them what they want. Let Lorelai get married."

There was stunned silence in the room.

The Queen cackled. "Lorelai. Married. Get it? We'll have the Third Lorelai marry. Rory. She'll come full circle as the new and improved Gail Gregg, I mean, Lorelai. Details, people?"

#75 continued his pitch. "The episode could focus on a Rory/Logan elopement and a Luke/Lorelai breakup. Maybe she can give him back his ring…"

"No, we aren't gonna show that…"

#75 continued. "And Luke can have some sort of secret to make it plausible. Like a secret wedding. Maybe he was married to Anna and never got divorced. He can't deal, so he cracks."

"Never work," the Consort explained. "We already used a married Luke device. He couldn't get divorced if he was already a bigamist."

Nonplussed, #75 continued. "How about a chemical imbalance in Luke's brain? He did mention one for Rory last season…"

"That might work, but…we'd be beholden to Big Pharma," the Consort noted. "How about we focus on Luke's 'table for one' and Lorelai's 'emotional baggage'? Luke and Lorelai can talk…"

There was an audible series of gasps in the room. "You, you want to do an episode that focuses on...Luke and Lorelai?" The Queen looked aghast. "Where they actually…talk?"

Everyone in the room held their collective breaths. Only the Consort dared speak of such things to the Queen.

Seeing the Queen frown, the Consort thought better of his suggestions and conceded, "Okie-dokie. Mark that one down as a definite probably not, er, definite not."

"How about let's go back to the breakup…" the Queen suggested.

"Not a bad idea," the Consort conceded, "the actors love that stuff and the fans, they just eat up the emotions and the makeup kisses."

"Oy to the vey," the Queen sighed in increasing exasperation. "Don't you people know that Luke and Lorelai are the marquee couple of this show? Forget it people, they've already hit their allotted quota of kisses, romantic gestures, conversations, touching, gazing…all that relationship crap, for the entire run of the show. Geez, I let you put the 'I love you' in the Valentines episode, what more do you want?"

"What if we have Rory and Logan break up again?" another writer suggested. "After all, it is kind of strange that a smart kid like Rory, a feminist, would put up with someone who was sleeping around like that."

The Queen stared at him for at least one minute, before putting the kibosh on the idea. "We did their breakup already. Besides, I like Matt."

"And David…" the Consort snickered bitterly under his breath.

The ensuing silence was silent indeed for such a large group of people.

The Queen decided to take charge. "By Shonda Rhimes and Ron Moore and all that is unholy, I asked you people to do your homework over the weekend." She contemplated her pencil for a moment. Look, I guess we'll go with an elopement for Rory and a breakup for Lorelai. It'll be fabulous!" she crowed as she fingered the asp on her chest. "Now, this way we have options for the season opener. I get a new deal, Rory's elopement stops and Luke and Lorelai get back together; no deal, and we string out Luke and Lorelai to the end of next season, and have Lorelai open a daycare for that cute little GiGi kid at the Inn."

#82 timidly stepped in. "Hey, not a bad idea, Boss. Sookie's kids could go to the daycare as well…"

"I smell SPIN-OFF!" the Consort cried out.

"Make a note of that Danny," the Queen directed her Consort. "Now, let's continue talking finale. You all know just how important story continuity and small details are to me."

At that, C. Faery, #85, perked up. "Ma'am?" she timidly began.

The person next to her prompted her. "It's 'Queen' or 'Boss'."

"Ok, Boss," #85 started over again.

"Who's 85?" the Queen hissed at the Consort.

The Consort pointed out her name on the roster. "Just hired. See: name is Conti N. Faery…"

"Yeah, what about it, #85?"

"Uh, well you said continuity is very important. I made up an Access database this weekend in preparation for this meeting."

"Finally, a kid who does her homework!" The Queen positively glowed with approval.

#85 continued. "I can generate reports on all the anvils and parallels and which ones have been used and when."

"Sock it to me, 85," the Queen requested.

"OK. Top ten breakup anvils in Seasons Six." #85 cleared her throat. "These are not sorted in any order. We have:  
1. No life-changing decisions without Lorelai  
2. Luke can screw up the relationship a lot of ways  
3. Roof rant: people newspapers who get married thinking life is gonna turn out the way they think it will: suckers  
4. The truth pact  
5. What else is he hiding? Why doesn't he trust me?  
6. Lorelai replacing Rory with a dog  
7. Lorelai turning off the answering machine when Chris calls  
8. The Luke fight in front of Sookie and Jackson  
9. The Valentines' gift fiasco  
10. Lorelai sending Luke off to go camping by himself."

The Queen was smiling gleefully. "Damn, I'm good. Go on, #85…"

"And here are the top-ten marriage anvils:  
1. He said yes  
2. Kids would be nice  
3. Renovating the house  
4. Matching jogging suits  
5. Rory introducing Luke as her future stepfather  
6. Just Like Gwen and Gavin  
7. The Perfect Wedding falling into place  
8. Luke upset about the date not being set  
9. Luke praising Lorelai for giving him time  
10. I love you and we will get married and have lobster…"

#85 was in tears. She couldn't go on.

"Oh for Pete's sake!"

"I um also have a list of Rory/Logan anvils and there are like just a couple of them, and they don't even go back as long as Luke and Lorelai." #85 could not maintain her composure. "I'm sorry…" she sobbed, "it's just that I thought this was dramedy, not a tragedy, and I feel that we're writing Lorelai to be the female Job of the twenty-first century."

"LOVE that idea!" the Queen stated. "Feminist Job for the new Millennium. She don't need no man. Breakup it is, then…"


	5. The Sun, for Sorrow: A Glooming Peace

It's a cloudy and rainy day in Los Angeles. A glooming peace has descended over Burbank, but the sun for sorrow, will not come out. 

In the offices of the Employee Assistance Program for the new CW, a therapist has come to the sad realization that one of the persons she's counseling is beyond help.

THERAPIST: Come in, come in. Have a seat.

A woman in a pink Tinkerbelle t-shirt and black hat sweeps in, her husband following at her heels. Let's call her Amy and him, DP.

THERAPIST: I'm glad you're here. Both of you.

The couple looks around the now-familiar room. Their suspicions are raised because the therapist has deviated from her normal procedures. For one thing, she has not opened the folder, and furthermore, has not made a move to set the timer.

THERAPIST: (coughs) So…how's work?

AMY: (cackles)

THERAPIST: No really. Listen, our session will be short today….no no, don't worry, we won't be charging you. So, seriously. how's it going.

AMY: (animated) Can't think of anything except directing this episode. Bang. Holy Batman! I'm putting five million people in the deep freeze…and speaking of Bang! How about the Ouch! Just call me Poison Ivy…

DP shoots a worried glance over at Amy, and then nervously lets his eyes flit between her and the therapist.

AMY: Uh. Oh yeah. Never been better, never been better.

THERAPIST: (clearly running out of patience) So I hear.

DP: Yup.

THERAPIST: So. Things are tense, I hear.

AMY: Well, no contract, my Nickety-Nick show didn't get picked up, and now even Roberto Blanco is being mean to me.

THERAPIST: (thinks, then realizes who she means…) Ah yes, Bobby, from USA Today. I treated another person a few years ago…had issues with Bobby…Chris Car…oops. Sorry. Look, I have some news for you.

AMY: Yeah?

THERAPIST: I won't be able to see you anymore. Both of you.

(Nods at them.)

AMY: Why's that?

DP: Yes, do you have a new contract somewhere else?

THERAPIST: Well, no. How to explain this...OK.

(Clears throat)

THERAPIST: I subscribe to a code of ethics. And I'm afraid that…Well I just can't treat you anymore.

AMY: Treat me? There's nothing wrong with me.

THERAPIST: Oh. See, that's part of the problem…

(Shakes head.) So I've prepared a report.

(Reaches into desk drawer, and brings out an eighteen-inch thick folder.)

THERAPIST: Here's what I've noticed about you. Oh wow, would you look at that rain and listen to that thunder out there?

(Hands her a one-inch section from the top of the stack, as the power flickers and the room is illuminated by lightning.)

THERAPIST: That's your copy. I'll highlight the important parts.

First and foremost, you seem to have lost focus and vision. And as a contractor for the CW, I need to look out for the viewers, who are, after all, the major stakeholders and without whom you wouldn't have a job. Shows must provide entertainment to the customer. But with you, I have detected a lot of anger, a lot of anger, and not the healthy kind, I might add. More like the warped kind. It's almost as if, no, strike that, you do hold your customers, our stakeholders, in contempt.

AMY: I'm not mad.

THERAPIST: (gently) Amy. Amy. Oh yes you are. Earlier this year, when you were first asked to come see me, your associates reported a vindictive warped type of anger over the lack of acceptance for what you call the "turtle" storyline.

AMY makes noises as if protesting…

THERAPIST: (raises hand, indicating that Amy should stop.) Let me tell you what I think. I think it was wrong to use a child in a quasi-pedophilic situation, serving as an ersatz mistress.

But that's not the worst of it. Frankly, it's that you so blatantly manipulate the emotions of complete strangers, and then take joy in that.

I understand that you never went to college.

AMY: Yes. Even though I grew up in the 70s and 80s in the San Fernando Valley, apparently, I lived in an antediluvian time warp.

THERAPIST: The college thing may explain why I see no evidence that you know the difference between tragedy and comedy. Tell me (whispers, sotto voce) when you were working on 'Veronica's Closet', did Kirstie, you know…recruit you…

AMY: Oh no! I'm my own cult.

THERAPIST: Yes. Now back to the manipulations. Oh yes, I realize the viewers can just walk away, but there is so little joy in the everyday world. New Orleans. Darfur. Iraq. Mullahs with nukes. Tsunamis. Tornados. In a world where Katie Couric can sashay her colon over to the sanctum sanctorum of Walter Cronkite, leaving an entire nation bereft of morning perkiness, how could you do that? You gave them a beautiful dream and now you're yanking it out from under them. Why?

AMY: Uh…I have a plan.

THERAPIST: Right.

(An awkward moment passed.)

THERAPIST: Well I'm sorry, but you're going to have to find yourself another practitioner.

(Silence, then DP is paged.)

THERAPIST: Go, go.

_tbc_


	6. More Talk of These Sad Things

**A/N:** A spoiler for the Season Six finale is embedded in this cautionary tale. 

Thank you to William Shakespeare for the quotes and stylings of 'Hamlet' and 'Romeo and Juliet'.

The therapist sinks into the shadows of her gloomy office. She reaches into a folder, and takes out an 8x10 glossy and rubs her fingers over the stubbled face of an actor.

"Goodnight, sweet prince," she murmurs, "and may flights of letters to critics remove the pod from you."

She then moves to the window, surveys the gloom outside, then sits down to annotate her now-dismissed patient's file. She begins to write:

'The best I can suggest for the victims of this patient, is to suggest that they go hence, to the message boards, to have more talk of these sad things.

As to the patient and her team, history tells me that some shall be pardoned (John Shiban) and some punished (Chris Carter, Frank Spotnitz.) I suspect the patient and her team shall be punished. For never was a story of more TV-land woe, than this of Lorelai and Luke.'

There is knock on the door. It is a woman named Dawn.

"Hi! How did it go?"

"I took care of them," the therapist responds.

"Run the whole story by me once more…" Dawn says as she gets cozy on the couch.

"OK. I will be brief, because if you really think of it, it isn't so much a long story as it is a tedious tale. Luke, now a pod, was lover and betrothed to Lorelai."

The therapist hands her an 8x10 of the couple kissing under the gazebo.

Next, she hands Dawn a photo of a sad-faced woman.

"And she, there lying pod-like, was Luke's faithful betrothed. They were engaged, and the entire world was told to invest in them, to root for them. And as their postponed marriage day came around, it was their love's doomsday."

The therapist hands Dawn a TV Guide article about a wedding gown.

"Whose untimely death banished the newly-bought perfect dress into the depths of the closet."

She sighs.

"But who knew, that all along, it was the plan that it was for a turtle, and not for Lorelai, that Luke pined? And then, management (the WB's management,) to remove that siege of grief from her, podded Luke and would have her be with Christopher, to whom a contract was rendered.

"So the fans, or as they are called, the crazy internet people, were upset, and vast quantities of persons increased the ratings of NCIS and American Idol. So the CW came to me, and, with wild looks, bid me devise some means to rid Amy from this tedious plotline. Or else, in their dens and living rooms, there would the fans kill their love for the show."

"Ah," Dawn acknowledges, "ratings. Down."

"I tried. I gave her counsel. But Amy, it's like she gave Luke a sleeping potion; which so took effect as she intended, for it wrought on him the form of pod Luke."

"What did the fans do?" asks Dawn.

"Meantime, the fans wrote to Ausiello and Bianco and Rousch, that they should make everyone aware, pronto. To help to take the relationship of Luke and Lorelai from its untimely grave, being the time that the show's season should end.

"But Amy would not listen. And yesterday, the sides they did hit the fan. Then all alone, at the pre-fixed hour of the episode, came I to notice that many were not watching. And I saw that Amy had joined her kindred, Joss Whedon, JJ Abrams, and Chris Carter, in the vault of dearth of ideas."

Dawn sighs in unison with the therapist.

"But when I came to my computer, and saw the sides, some minutes ere the time of their release, instead of their love awaking, there, untimely, lay the love of the noble Lorelai and true Luke, dead."

"You've got to be kidding…"

"Oh, it gets better, or rather, worse…" the therapist says, handing Dawn the sides for the finale of season six.

"For now Lorelai wakes; and Christopher entreats her come forth, and the audience is yet asked to bear this work of hell with patience?"

Dawn reads the sides, then adds, "But then a noise from GiGi did scare her in the bed."

The therapist gasps; she still cannot get over this plot contrivance. "And she, too desperate, would go with Christopher for Amy hath over-podded Luke, and, as it seems, did alcoholic violence on herself, not once, but twice."

"And this is out on the web?"

"All this the internet fans know; and to the travesty in the bed, the fans are privy: and, if aught in this is misinterpreted by our fault, let our TV remotes be sacrificed…"

"Good Lord," Dawn adds, "you're right! For never was a story of more TV-land woe, than this of what Amy did to the love of Lorelai and Luke."

_fin_

**A/N:** Chris Carter, show runner of the XFiles. John Shiban, once vilified writer and XFiles producer, now a redeemed show runner of Supernatural. Frank Spotnitz, co-show runner of the XFiles, and show runner of the failed Night Stalker.


End file.
